I woke up today feeling a bit resentful. My life hasn't gone the way I pictured it would twenty-nine years ago. For starters, I don't drive a hot pink corvette, look like a sweet valley twin, have a waterslide in my backyard or own a unicorn/Pegasus.
In all seriousness though, whatever my future did hold, it was full of life. There were trips; romantic getaways with my husband, theme park adventures with my kids (twins named Jessica and Jonathan at the time 😉). I was surrounded by a rich culture of the arts that fed my everlasting hunger to create and inspire. There was happiness and there was always lots of laughter.
I didn't anticipate Lyme or any of the other things he brought along to the party. I never envisioned being so tired, I would lay in bed for hours during the day, while my kids entertain each other, meanwhile I am fighting off dizziness, brain fog, pain and numbness in my body. Being poked and prodded so much, I feel like a living pin cushion at times. Always feeling hungry, but too frustrated with my limited diet and too tired to think of something that I can actually eat. Not to mention the daunting task of actually going grocery shopping -- no thank you. And I most definitely did not envision a doctor telling me that my very own daughter, who has never been bit by a tick in her life, had contracted Lyme Disease from me over nine years ago when I carried her in my belly, along with infections surrounding her brain and brain stem. Nope, none of that was in the cards.
Lyme doesn't care though because Lyme, you see, is a coward. It hides from you, it misleads you and slowly attacks you, stealing precious moments of your life. Lyme does everything it can to isolate you.
Like I said, I woke up in a bit of a mood today on this so called "Lyme-iversary".
Then I was reminded of what Lyme can't take from me. The smiles of my children and their bear hugs at bedtime. The silly things they say and curious musings they share with me. My three year old feeding me "airplane" style -- not because I need him to, but because he loves his mommy. My hard working husband who continues to take on more than his share of responsibility in this life that we have created together. His ability to always make me laugh and break through the strain that chronic illness puts on a marriage and look past my third day of a top knot and sweatpants. Or his ease at letting me go off on adventures with my friends, even though I didn't lift a finger all day, because he knows it's what my soul needs. Friends who check on me and include me in life, because despite my illness, I am still here -- I am still living. Or going to the gym with me for what can only be described as stripper aerobics 😂 because I am determined to do something fun and "normal" and need the moral support. My loyal clients who are patient and understanding. They still hire me because they think my work is worth the wait. All of the many many beautiful hearts that surround me and sustain me. God, who gives me a chance at life every morning that I open my eyes and fills me with His grace, understanding and unconditional love. Lyme cannot take away my love for fresh flowers, polka dots and the color aqua/teal/mint. An evening in my hammock, enjoying reruns of Friends and Gilmore Girls or my desire to help others, bridge the gaps and make people giggle.
Lyme cannot take away my heart, my soul, my beliefs and most definitely not my laughter. Lyme cannot take away me, because I am more than Lyme.
To everyone out there that continues to pray for me and my family or send positive thoughts our way, thank you. For those who have messaged and I may not have gotten back to you yet, please don't feel ignored. I get overwhelmed and distracted easily, but your sentiments, prayers, thoughts... they all matter. Every single one. To those who put aside their own lives to help me or to care for my children, my gratitude for you is neverending. You are a living angel in my life. To my friends, old and new, who are battling invisible and/or chronic illness, you are amazing, you got this and know, even if it doesn't always feel like it, we are in this together. 💛
I promise to post an update on the last two months soon.